Parties

A person who uses sexual violence may take advantage of someone else who’s ‘out of it’ (intoxicated). They might move that intoxicated person into more private spaces at a party or leave the party with them, with the intent of having sex with them while they are unable to consent. This is sexual assault. People who use sexual violence may also blame their own use of drugs and alcohol as an excuse or to dismiss and minimise the harm they’ve caused.  

Consent legislation in NSW says that a person does not consent if they are so affected by alcohol or another drug as to be incapable of consenting to the sexual activity.  

It’s also important to recognise that sometimes, especially when people are using alcohol, it can be a little less ‘black and white’. This doesn’t mean that there’s ever an excuse for sexual violence. It means that both (or multiple people, when it comes to group sex), might regret what happened or feel taken advantage of after sex. It might be that nobody was able to consent. This can be confusing and distressing. 

No matter how sex happened, if someone feels distressed or uncomfortable, they are entitled to support.  

Human interaction can be confusing and messy, especially social interactions where there are so many factors to consider. They key thing is to keep communicating and connecting in with your boundaries and needs.  

 The myths and cultures that surround parties and other social settings mostly focus on the use of drugs and alcohol. There are common sex scripts and norms around alcohol and sex and what it means when those elements come together; for example, the idea of ‘I bought them a drink and now they owe me sex’) or the ‘drink, home, bed’ routine.  

When sexual violence occurs these scripts might make it harder for people to realise what has happened to them  and people who use sexual violence might also use these scripts as justification.  These sex scripts, and myths like ‘if someone’s been drinking/ is high and flirting, they were asking for it’ can make victims feel like their experience of violence will not be taken seriously if they report or disclose it. It is important to believe a disclosure regardless of whether someone was drinking or taking drugs, or what kind of party/venue they were at when the violence occurred.  

Some drugs such as GHB or crystal methamphetamine are used specifically for the purpose of enhancing sex. It’s important to know that even when drugs are used voluntarily with the intention of having sex, that this does not invalidate the need for affirmative and continuous consent. Even when these drugs are used voluntarily at settings where sexualised drug use takes places, someone may still experience sexual violence. You can find more information about consent and sexual violence in sexualised drug use contexts here in the Party and Play section of Pivot Point. 

There can be lots of people at parties, and sometimes lots of sex too! It is important to remember not all sexual advances you see are unwanted. People can most often manage their own safety, and we should respect that. However, in situations where it appears a person can’t make their own choices, or they are unconscious. Here are some things you can do as a bystander if you think you are witnessing unwanted sexual advance:  

• scan the situation to assess risk. Are you safe? Are there other people around who can support you? Could intervening make the situation worse for the person at risk of harm?  
• if safe to do so you can directly intervene in a situation by confronting the person you think is causing harm  
• or ask someone in a position of authority such as bar staff to intervene 
•  you could say: “Hey, did you get consent to touch them there?” or “this person doesn’t seem very comfortable with what you’re doing, you should stop”  
• you could ‘accidentally’ interrupt the situation, for example by bumping into the person you think might be making someone else uncomfortable or pretending to know the other person: “Oh my gosh, hi PJ, it’s been too long! Come and grab a drink with me!” 
• if someone is already helping a person who is in crisis, you can document the situation by   writing notes in your phone like: the date, time, venue name, characteristics of the person causing harm, what you observed happening  

Regardless of whether we were able to intervene at the time of witnessing sexually violence behaviour, you can still check in with the victim-survivor after the incident. This shows the person that they are cared for and lets them know that other people know the situation wasn’t okay.

If your friend is the one acting in an unhealthy way: 

• you can say “They don’t seem to be into you, let’s go grab a drink” or tap them on the arm and be like “hey, they don’t like that, cut it out”. 

• nonverbal disapproval of their actions for example if they make a joke promoting rape culture – don’t laugh, ask them to explain why it’s funny, give them a disapproving look, or comment “uh I don’t know about that” or “are we still doing that…?” 
• you could distract or redirect them, for example by asking them to dance with you or how their weekend was. This can be effective and non-confrontational. 

Sometimes when you are at a party or a festival you get separated from your friends so you might not see if something happens to them; or they may experience sexual violence at an event you weren’t at. These are some signs you might see in the following hours/days/weeks/months after, not necessarily immediately after the incident:    

• sudden change in behaviour or mood 
• they are visibly upset 
• if they disappeared for a while and you do not know where they have gone (especially when paired with other signs) 
• suddenly leaving or wanting to go home 
• avoiding the venue 
• not wanting to go back to other social venues again 
•  increased use of alcohol and other drugs  
• depression (if there before, worse lows) 
• anxiety (especially around certain people or certain places) 
• withdrawing from social situations 

It is important to check in with your friend and offer support if they are displaying any of these signs, you can do this by:  

• asking if they are okay 
• helping them access services that will support them 
• possibly going with them to appointments 
• letting them know they are not alone 
• if they are in immediate danger call 000.