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Managing power differences longer term

Sexual violence is intimately connected to power. There are power dynamics in every relationship. These often don’t develop consciously, and they’re not always a ‘bad’ thing, but thinking about how we can care for our partners in their totality and understand how experiences of stigma and discrimination might have made them feel powerless or scared, can help us to strengthen our relationships.  To build a healthy relationship, acknowledging power dynamics, you can:  

  • start a conversation about it – this can be uncomfortable and sometimes emotionally draining, and that’s okay! It’s an ongoing conversation to have and it’s important. Some conversation tips: 
    • set the stage by talking about talking: “I’d love to talk with you about some of our different experiences and how we can support one another, when would be a good time for us to do that?”; 
    • be honest: “This might be a bit awkward, but I think it’s important for us to have a chat about power dynamics in our relationship”; and 
    • if your partner is being reactive and not responsive: “I can see you’re getting upset, let’s take a break and continue this conversation later when we’re both ready for it” 
  • learn more about each other’s experiences and identities and support your partner to be themselves. Find out what makes your partner feel respected and loved and do those things! 
  • acknowledge mistakes – sometimes partners can say hurtful things that remind their partner of bad experiences, stigma, discrimination or even violence they have experienced elsewhere in their lives. the person who is experiencing hurt is allowed to be upset or loud in reaction to this and point out when their partner is wrong. Sometimes, we can say things that are hurtful without meaning to. It’s natural to feel defensive when you’re told about that- but it’s important to step back and listen to your partner. If someone feels hurt or angry because of something you said, listen and reflect on this. While abuse is never ok, conflict; where each person can openly express their feelings and perspective is healthy for our relationships 
  • discuss boundaries and emotional labour – when there are structural power imbalances in a relationship (e.g., a white person dating a person of colour or a cisgender person dating a trans person) it’s important to discuss boundaries. There may be some conversations that are off limits because they are triggering or too emotionally taxing on a partner.  

It’s important to learn to actively listen to a partner – we all have different intersections in our identity, and we need to respect each other and our differences. Let’s look at Jac and Tom as an example:  

In a new relationship, Jac updates their pronouns from he/him to they/them as they reveal they are non-binary. Their partner Tom is a cisgender man who identifies as gay and is finding it difficult to adjust. Tom frequently misgenders Jac and introduces them to people as his boyfriend. These actions make Jac feel unaffirmed and rejected. Jac sometimes agrees to sex even though they don’t want to, because they’re scared Tom will leave them. Eventually, Tom notices that Jac is starting to avoid meeting Tom’s friends and asks about it. Jac tells Tom how hurtful it is when Tom uses the wrong pronouns. Tom apologises and explains that he didn’t realise he was misgendering Jac. Tom starts practising and using Jac’s new pronouns and corrects his friends when they use the wrong pronouns. With Jac’s permission, Tom talks to his friends about the fact that Jac is non-binary too. Tom asks Jac what he could do to affirm and celebrate them. Jac and Tom start scheduling regular check ins. Over time, Jac feels safer to say when they aren’t interested in having sex.

 

Talking openly with your partner about power dynamics and creating an environment where you acknowledge mistakes and actively listen to one another can help people to feel safe to express their boundaries. This flows into safe and healthy sex lives, where people feel secure that they can say when they’re not ‘in the mood’ without upsetting their partner or worrying it will cause tension.  

 

If reading this content has caused you distress, or made you think you may need support, you can find an LGBTQ+ affirming service here. 

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