Recognise, Respond, Recover (Respond)

• In the moment: Say something if it is safe to do so. Remain calm and unaggressive and keep your message short, like “hey, what you’re doing isn’t ok” 
• in the moment: Interrupt the situation by doing something unexpected, like ‘accidentally’ dropping something; and 
• afterwards: Name what happened, and explain why you are concerned, for example “We’re friends, right… as your friend I’m concerned by some things I’ve noticed.” Tell them why you are concerned, focusing on what they have done, and nothing that the target did to alert you, for example “I’ve noticed that you said something pretty disrespectful about your partner’s body”. Tell the person how you feel about it, “I wouldn’t want anyone saying that about you.” 

These are tough conversations. It is important to remain caring and non-critical, but to still take the situation seriously. There are more tips in our Family and Friends toolkit. The most important thing is the victim’s safety. If you are not sure what to do, you can get advice from professionals as well. 

• take your friend somewhere private and have a conversation with them, let them know you are worried and what things you’ve notice that make you worried 
• listen to what your friend has to say, show them support and acceptance, reassure them that you believe them if they disclose sexual violence to you 
• if they deny that they have experienced violence offer your support and friendship and make sure they know you will always be there if they need you 

If someone discloses they have experienced sexual violence, here are some tips for yarning with them: 

• thank them for sharing their story, and acknowledge how challenging it would have been 
• listen to them- don’t make assumptions, and let them tell you about their experience in their own time 
• don’t push for details – let the person disclosing tell you what they’re comfortable with letting you know 
• try not to display a large amount of anger or emotion because then the person who has disclosed to you now has to comfort you 
• remain non-judgemental, and avoid ‘why’ questions to make sure they know they are in no way at fault for their experience. At the same time, respect the language they use to talk about their own experiences 
• affirm that their experience of sexual violence is not their fault or something that they deserve to experience 
• ask if they feel safe or if they need to stay somewhere else (if they live with the person who used sexual violence) 
• ask them what help they would like to receive and support them to make their own choices 
• give them information that can help them make informed and safe decisions such as support services and crisis lines 

Here are some supports you could provide: 

• if anyone is in immediate danger call 000 
• assist them in exploring support options such as counselling, other support services such as: 

• • Rainbow Sexual, Domestic and Family Violence Helpline (1800 497 212), available 24/7 
  • 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732), available 24/7 
  • ACON (9206 2000), Monday to Friday (9am – 6pm)
  • QLife (1800 184 527), 3pm – Midnight every day 
  • Find a service near you through Say It Out Loud here 

• if the violence occurred in university accommodation or community housing help them request a housing change if that is what they want 
• if the person who used sexual violence is in the same classes assist the victim in switching classes to a different time slot 
• if the violence occurred in a work setting, support them to file a complaint with HR if that is what they want. 
• talk to your friend to try to identify other people in their family, community or mob that they might feel safe going to for support 
• help your friend make a list of things that they do when they are feeling distressed to feel better, like visiting a special or sacred place, calling someone, doing art or going for a walk 

Support them in accessing a NSW Health Sexual Assault Service, STI testing and/or cervical screening.

You can find a great video about accessing these services on the Where Can I Go For Support page of TransHub. This resource was made for trans people, but has helpful information for anyone, cis or trans, who has experienced sexual assault, or is supporting someone who has.  

Help to report the violence to the police, if that’s what the person wants to do.

It’s important to remember that historically and today, LGBTQ+ communities have not always received a helpful and supportive response from police. Your friend may not feel safe to or want to report their experience to the police.

Alternatively, they might want to bring a support person with them (like you or a different friend, family member or support worker).

People can also use Sexual Assault Reporting Option (SARO). This tool is used to create a record of what happened and means the NSW Police Force can gather information on sexual violence but allows people to remain anonymous. A SARO report will not lead to a criminal investigation.

You can read more about rights and reporting sexual violence on TransHub.  

After your friend has disclosed their experience, it’s a good idea to keep checking in with them, and to be patient and supportive. At the same time, it’s important to respect their decision if they don’t want to discuss it further, or ask to be left alone.  

Sometimes it can be hard supporting someone, and it might bring up feelings of helplessness; especially if you disagree with some of the actions the person is taking (or not taking).

If you need to take a break that’s ok. You don’t have to be an expert in sexual violence, or “perfect”. It’s ok to be clear about what you can and can’t offer. The most important thing is that your friend or loved one knows that they are believed, and that you’re there to provide the support that you can.