Love and Acceptance – A Trans Woman’s Journey
Content note: – transphobia, transmisogyny, trans violence, internalised transphobia
Written by Rebeckah Loveday
As trans women, we are often led to believe that our very existence is less than those of others within society. This narrative stems from many sources, including the media’s portrayal of trans experiences, societal beliefs on what it means to be a ‘woman’, rigid gender norms, transmisogyny, generational racism, ableism, and patriarchal belief systems. Trans women are up against so many barriers to acceptance, understanding, love, and respect. With this in mind, how do we perceive ourselves in this world, and how do we learn what is acceptable and healthy when seeking connection in relationships?
When I first started my transition in the early 2000s, I was led to believe that to ‘successfully transition’, I needed to pass as a ‘real woman’. I was taught this was the only way to be accepted and truly find love. Finding love and acceptance from others was significant to me, so I ensured I did everything possible to blend into society as a woman. Blending into society as a woman became the driving force of my identity.
But this meant hiding my authentic self as a transgender woman, knowing that if I did disclose this information about myself to a potential partner, they would not accept me for who I am. That they would not want to be in a relationship with me. While I already felt an internal belief about this, the negative societal views of trans women formed a truth in most of my romantic connections to whom I disclosed my gender identity. It reaffirmed what I already felt about myself in being undeserving and unlovable.
This negative understanding of my own existence resulted in a growth of internalised transphobia within me, and I quickly learnt that society or a potential love interest would not accept or see me as a woman. The hate within society and transphobia towards trans women led me to not love or accept myself in the exact same way society didn’t. Once this negative belief system was deeply embedded within the being of my core, it was challenging to undo.
When it came to romance, if I shared with a potential love interest that I am a transgender woman and they expressed to me that they accepted this part of who I was, their validation of my womanhood was more than enough for me to want to pursue a relationship with them. I was failing to understand, recognise, or assess whether or not this person was actually a good match for me. Do our values align? Does this person treat me well? How do they make me feel about myself? Do we have things in common or even shared interests? Often, these things were not my priorities because the bare minimum of being seen and accepted as a woman overruled my self-worth and core values.
Finding a romantic partner who accepted my trans identity was like trying to find a diamond in the rough. For many trans women, the world is not only challenging but also incredibly dangerous, as the prevalence of violence towards trans women is exceptionally high, particularly for trans women with intersectional and marginalised identities.
Trans women are often not treated as people but are objectified, sexualised, and seen as a fetish. Many people do not see trans women as real women, so when a man is attracted to a trans woman, he may question his own masculinity. The confusion about his own sexuality can then challenge his belief system, which may lead to frustration, anger, and violence, generally towards the trans woman he was attracted to in the first place.
As a society, we need to create safer spaces for trans-attracted men to express their desires and attraction towards trans women in healthy ways that are not to the detriment of trans women. We can do this by creating safe spaces and showing acceptance of both trans women and men who are attracted to trans women. This, in turn, will assist in breaking down gender stereotypes, gender binaries, and patriarchal belief systems that sadly affect all of us.
For many trans women I know (me included), we just want to be seen, loved, and accepted for the dynamic women we are. Still, we will often settle for less than what we deserve because of the lack of personal and collective self-worth that has been deemed by governmental systems and broader society.
What trans women deserve is to be in healthy, loving, respectful, supported, nourishing, and publicly open relationships with men who are proud to be by our side. We need our friends, family, and society to support us and our relationships. We need them to normalise love, connection, and attraction between trans women and men. Acceptance and respect for trans women in a romantic connection should be the minimum of what we receive; it shouldn’t be a rarity or an exception.
Throughout my life, I have met some wonderfully open-minded men who have educated themselves on the experiences of trans women, or they have been at least willing to learn. These men have shown me respect, kindness, and honesty. They changed my perception of myself and how most of society sees and treats me and my sisters. From being supported and loved by others, I learnt to undo some of the damage I had learned about myself early in my womanhood.
The years of experience in dating and the life lessons learned throughout my personal journey have helped me to understand that, yes, I want someone to love and accept me wholly as the woman I am, but more importantly, I want to continue showing myself the love and respect I deserve while remembering that the most important relationship I will ever have is with myself.