Dating apps

There are some unique cultures around dating apps and sex that are important to be aware of:  

• some apps are mostly for hookups – or are used that way by some people. Sometimes that can lead people to feel pressured into sex, or situations they’re not comfortable with, or like they can’t change their mind once they meet up.  
• image-based violence is sexual violence. Image based abuse includes  revenge porn and sharing photos of yourself or of other people without consent 
• sexual harassment can occur on apps. This can look like  aggressive or threatening language, stalking and harassing people and then deleting and recreating a new profile 
• cultures around sex for LGBTQ+ people do not always fit the standard safety checklist approach. Many of us meet new hookups in private residences on the first meeting for sex. There’s nothing wrong with hooking up this way, but it can come with some risks that the other person (or people) aren’t who they say they are 
• women in our communities have told us they sometimes avoid discussing sex via the apps because they may feel like it is a contract to have sex, but this leaves little room for discussion around STI prevention strategies and sexual boundaries if they decide to pursue sex with that person 
• if people are not matching with anyone on the apps, they may feel inadequate and lonely and feel that they must put up with bad treatment from people 
• due to the anonymity of dating apps, people can be blunt and discriminatory. Some marginalised community members might get horrible messages daily. These can include fatphobic, transphobic and racist comments such as ‘no fats, no femmes, no Asians’ and other similar messaging. This can amplify social exclusion and can contribute to people not feeling like they ‘can’ say no when someone wants to have sex with them   

Everyone has different strategies that they use to feel safe when chatting to folks and organising hook-ups. Some of the strategies people in our communities use are:  

• stating boundaries that you have early on, and asking if they have any problems with them 
• having a video call with the person before meeting up 
• talking about sexual likes/dislikes and boundaries – sometimes even sharing consensual porn of the kind of sex they like to have 
• before meeting someone face to face for the first time – screenshot their profile and any conversations with them- creating a record of the person and interactions with them 
• meeting in a public place around other people, and letting a friend or other partner know where it is, when you’ll be there and be leaving 
• asking for someone’s social media details, checking out the person’s profile to see if they look ‘legit’ 
• if you are sending explicit pictures, not having tattoos or your face in them is a good way to protect yourself  
• on some apps you can send an ‘expiring photo’ so people can’t screenshot your images 
• use profile text for any non-negotiables e.g., ‘please don’t message me any NFSW photos without asking’  
• reporting profiles on the app if you receive unwanted sexual photos or persistent sexual advances 

It is important to remember that using dating apps does not mean that you owe anyone sex, or even have to meet up with anyone if you do not want to. 

There’s no right or wrong way to keep yourself safe, and if someone is not interested or unhappy with the boundaries you set, you don’t need to change those boundaries to suit them and their needs. 

Dating apps can make navigating consent confusing. You can communicate about consent the same way you would in any other environment. For example:   

• do not assume consent when you’ve met up, even if you’ve chatted about boundaries and what you want to do beforehand. Check in as you move to have sex and during sex, every time. 
• if you get consent for one kind of sexual activity, it does not make it a yes for another, for example, yes to oral sex doesn’t mean it’s a yes to penetrative sex. Before you switch things up, check in. You can ask “this feels good but is it okay if we try…. ?” 
• make time to discuss boundaries with your potential sexual partner e.g., “Just so you know I’m uncomfortable with…. during sex”. This can happen during sex, but often is more comfortable to talk about when you are not mid-sex. 
• when talking to matches on dating apps you can practise good consent by asking before you use the call button and before you try to find them on social media.  

Below are some signs you can look for that could indicate your friend may have experienced sexual violence while using a dating app or after meeting up with someone: 

• they may not want to talk about their date or meetup, or if they do, they do not give much detail 
• they may become agitated if you ask about their date/meetup or avoidant of it 
• they may have unexplained limping, bleeding, or bruising 
• deleting all dating apps suddenly and without explanation 
• withdrawing and becoming socially isolated 
• increase or decrease in the frequency of casual sex they’re having; and  
• any sudden change of behaviour or personality  
•  increased use of alcohol and other drugs  
• depression (if there before, worse lows) 
• anxiety (especially around certain people or certain places)